


Flower Bug

by dreamydami



Category: Dreamcatcher (Korea Band)
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Crushes, Cute, Cutesy, Depression, F/F, Fluff, IT GETS SUPER CUTE IN THE END, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Pining, Secret Crush, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-02
Updated: 2019-12-02
Packaged: 2021-02-26 06:27:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,081
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21638833
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dreamydami/pseuds/dreamydami
Summary: The beauty of orchids is hard to deny. They have a mystique that seems to set them apart from most other flowers. They are elegant and almost unreal in their perfection. Despite this, they are pretty easy to care for and some even live up to a lifetime (100 years). But just like any other plant, their lifespan depends on the type of care they receive. As it is with every living thing,  they have to be valued, cared for, watered appropriately and hung properly where it receives the best moisture and sunlight. Without care, orchids will wilt, lose their beauty, and eventually lose life.
Relationships: Kim Yoohyeon/Lee Yoobin | Dami
Comments: 6
Kudos: 30
Collections: 2yoo Fic Fest 2019





	Flower Bug

**Author's Note:**

  * For [maple (leeyoobin)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/leeyoobin/gifts).



> Prompt: Orchids  
> Theme Song: Better - JJ Heller
> 
> Thank you for this prompt! I had a lot of fun writing this that I came up with like three different endings, wrote two of it, and published this final version! Hope you all like it as much as I enjoyed writing it! You can find me on twt @crajee4jenyer! :)

"Appreciate the small things in life." That is Kim Yoohyeon's life motto, a girl who has dedicated herself to serving the less fortunate in the legal profession. As a corporate slave rendering her services pro bono, she takes all the time she needs to enjoy the little things she encounters in a day. The birds that fly from one roof to another, the dogs that bark as they run with their owners, the kids that laugh as they cross the street with their parents holding their hands, and her every day highlight — the girl who lives next door who does nothing but water their plants and landscape their yard like there's not enough grass for her to design every time she gets the chance to see her.

The girl is petite, she looked very meek and mild every waking morning that Yoohyeon passes by her during jog. Her running path is on the other side of the road, adjacent to their house, and she usually rushes to finish her exercise as she has to get to work immediately after her 45-minute uphill and downhill run. She uses that excuse to herself as to why she isn't trying to befriend her.

"She looks cute," her subconscious tugs on her.

"But you're such a busy person who selflessly gives yourself to others. You have to take care of yourself too. You can't start giving someone attention when you don't even care about yourself that much." Her pep talk finished in the shower as she rushed outside to dress up for another long and tiring day in her legal office.

Yoohyeon works as a Public Lawyer for a Non-Government Organisation (NGO) that aims to protect women and children’s rights. Everyday is draining for her and as someone suffering from anxiety, one of the advices her doctor keeps telling her is “to stop and breathe the flowers.” Of course her doctor meant that as a metaphor but that didn’t stop her to _actually_ smell the garden of her neighbour one afternoon on her way home. The door of the neighbouring house suddenly opens, and the petite girl comes out with a blue track suit on and a white cap.

“Hello?”

Yoohyeon is flustered. Her eyes widen as she hears the word and her heart jumps from her chest. She steps back from the flowers while hugging the books she has on her arms tighter.

“Uh — hi?”

“Yes, uh, anything I can help you with?”

“N-no.. S-sorry. I just thought… I’d stop and smell the flowers here because they look so pretty.”

The little girl laughs a bit too heartily, and Yoohyeon starts getting confused if she thought it was a joke so she started laughing, too.

“Sorry, maybe I laughed too much. But… those are orchids. They are hung for ornamental purposes, and most of them have either foul or no odour.”

“Oh. Wow. Well, obviously I don’t know a thing about flowers.”

Yoohyeon’s phone rings, she looks at the screen and sees that it’s for work.

“Sorry, I’ve gotta take this call. But nice to talk to you!”

“O-okay!"

And this is why Yoohyeon believes she’s not destined to have any sort of relationship — both for personal and professional reasons. Aside from still struggling (but doing her best) to take care of herself, her work takes precedence over anything. Her work gives her life, being able to help people makes her feel alive all these years. Her family owns a corporate law firm but she chose to work in an NGO because, in her words, “My purpose to have pursued Law is to bring justice to anyone who deserves it, especially those who can’t afford it.” Circumstances and connections have brought her to work for a women and children-centered NGO, and she hasn’t been happier ever since.

She ends the call as she sits on the sofa of her one-bedroom townhouse, sighing deeply and plopping herself lazily on the throw pillows and other things that are on it. Her arms are spread wide with one of her legs resting comfortably on the couch, while the other was planted firmly on the floor. She leaves her phone on her carpeted floor and covers her face with both her hands.

“OH MY GOD SHE TALKED TO ME!!"

She went back to the moment where she stupidly tried to smell the flowers - that are apparently orchids - when they don’t even give out a scent. 

“This is what I get for being eternally curious!” She mutters to herself as she knocks her head with her knuckle.

“But oh my gosh her face is so small!” She continues to rumble to herself as she usually does, a habit she has developed once she started living alone trying to tame the voices in her head.

“Should I go out again to check if she’s still outside? Maybe she’s still watering her plants?” She goes back and forth with the thought of attempting to encounter her neighbour again and going on Google and reading up on orchids.

“Wow… So she doesn’t really need to water those orchids that frequently huh. Why is she always outside then? Why does it seem like she's attached to the garden? Maybe she has other plants that need daily watering? Or maybe she’s not watering them, just exposing them to sunlight? Ah why am I thinking about these when I have a million other things to do!!”

She stands up sluggishly and walks to her kitchen to find something that she can make for dinner. As per usual, she finds nothing and calls up delivery. Her mom’s voice echoes in her head when she found out she has been eating fast food for most of her dinners, and she puts down the phone in that instant, “Take care of yourself. Ask a friend out or go home for dinner!” Her mind suddenly runs fast and heads out the door, carrying only her phone and wallet. She passes by her neighbour’s home when she heard screaming and a couple of high-volume voices. She wasn’t exactly thinking of asking her neighbour - who’s basically a stranger - out to a spontaneous dinner but she thought it’d be nice to have a friend to have a meal with. She then walks past the somewhat noisy household, and dials for her best friend instead.

* * *

It has been a week since Yoohyeon passed by her neighbour’s house that night, and she hasn’t seen the cute girl water her plants since. Today as she gears up for her usual 45-minute jog, she doesn’t look forward to anything which made her lazy to actually go out there and sweat buckets. She just wants to stay home, work from home, not talk to anyone, and just stay under the covers for the rest of the day. It was one of those bad days that she can’t figure out how to battle yet, therefore she only deals with it with a dreadful cloud looming over her head. She thinks that once she reaches work, all these feelings of worthlessness will be washed away by her clients. Maybe on some good or better days yes, but today was such a dark one that she doesn't even have the strength and drive to pick up her endlessly ringing phone. She breathes slowly from 10 to 1, while deeply inhaling and exhaling, and reaches out for her phone. It was her boss-slash-friend-slash-mentor who helped her find her path towards the NGO life, who has always known her struggles since they met in law school.

"Hello?"

"Hey, how are you? I've tried calling over 5 times."

"Sorry, Minji..."

"One of those days?"

"Seems like it..."

"Okay... Guess you should take the day off."

"No, I'm just gonna work from home. Or in a cafe. With minimal human interaction aside from ordering food and drinks."

"Sounds good! Let me know if you need me and Siyeon around. You know we're always here, right?"

"And make me your third wheel? No, thanks."

"Heeeey we were all friends first before we became a thing!!"

"Haha I know, I know. I'll just email you for anything okay?"

"Take care of yourself, pup!"

Talking to someone already feels like over-exertion to her these days. She stretches her legs and arms extensively and yawns too loudly before she sits right up as the sun from the windows hits her skin.

"Now get up, self.”

She prances around in her sports bra and compression tights as she looks for the other pair of the sock she was holding. It’s no secret she’s kind of disorganized, and that’s why she sometimes needs her older sister Bora to stick around her place and nag her to clean up. Not knowing where Bora had probably kept her nicely folded laundry, she decides to wear the first sock she finds in her drawer. She ended up sporting a mismatched black and grey socks, grabs her running shoes, puts on her sauna jacket, and bolts out into the morning.

It’s already almost past 9AM and the sun is now harsh with its heat. She crosses the street as per her usual routine, and glances over to the neighbouring house in the hopes of seeing a petite girl watering her plants.

And there she was, in a white Gildan hoodie with a panda on the front pocket, a sprinkler in her hand and a disposable camera in the other. She was basking in the morning sun, enjoying the heat on a cold autumn morning.

Yoohyeon slowly walks past by her from the other street, put her hoodie up to her face so she won’t be noticed — basically by the girl she was trying to look at. “Fuck,”

Yoohyeon sees her smiling through the sunrays, her teeth peeping through her small lips, sprinkled with warm glow throughout her face. Her smile is a ray of sunshine, and she’d do anything to be blinded by _that_ sun. The girl peeks over to the other street and their eyes meet, and Yoohyeon is a ball of nerves whose heart is now trying to race against her own breathing. She awkwardly smiles back but focuses her eyes on the road as she starts warming up, but something inside her keeps pulling her back to those big, beautiful eyes.

“I gotta talk to her.” She whispers to herself. Wearing her heart on her sleeve, she decides to walk back and cross the street, not letting this moment pass up since she had to excuse herself from their conversation over a week ago. “Don’t be a panicked gay, Yoohyeon."

“Hi!”

“Oh hey!” The girl was still watering her plants. She was still holding on to the disposable camera, looking quite small against the girl's pretty big hand.

"You take photos?"

"Of my plants, yes." 

“Aw, that's cute. By the way, sorry about last time. That was a work call.”

“Corporate slave?”

“NGO slave, but yes, I’d take that.”

“Ooh, interesting. What do you do?”

As much as Yoohyeon would want to continue and share to her her passion and what she does in life, her aim today is to find out something about her _cute_ neighbour.

“Hold on, let me know your name first.”

“But why?”

“What do you mean, why?” The smaller girl’s lips start to purse up as its corners reach the skies. She has very squishy cheeks, and Yoohyeon panics with the way her neighbour was looking at her right now. Her brown eyes were sparkling and they look like marbles as the sun makes her way to her eyes. 

“I’m just messing with you. I’m Yubin.” She offers her hand for a handshake as she turns off the water hose, and Yoohyeon slowly takes it and gives it a good grip. She has thin hands, and Yoohyeon can easily make out the long bone structure of her fingers through that single firm handshake. Being naturally curious, she couldn’t stop herself from asking _important_ questions.

“Oh my gosh, has anyone told you you have such long hands? Your fingers!”

“Ah, I get that a lot.” Yubin snickers as she covers her face with her hand, a habit she has developed whenever she feels shy.

“And…? Your name…?”

“Oh! It’s Yoohyeon. Kim Yoohyeon. I live next door.”

“I mean, I know. Because you jog like almost everyday.”

“Yes, but I didn’t see you the past couple of — " Yoohyeon had to cut herself off before she completely embarrasses herself and tells Yubin that she waits for her every day to show up in their backyard.

“Yeah? Past couple of days?” Yoohyeon visibly burns under her hoodie, and she can’t hide it so she just decides to laugh it off. “Nah I was gardening daily as per usual, but I would come out at around this time."

"Oh, I see." Yoohyeon's face was still in a deep shade of ruby, and she laughs at herself for looking ridiculous.

"Yubin-aaah!"

A voice calls from inside their house, and the colour of her face changes as she scurries to turn away from Yoohyeon and rush back home.

"Sorry. Talk again next time. See you!” Yubin says while waving her hand to Yoohyeon.

The taller girl purses her lips and paints a weird face, shrugs her shoulders and goes back the other way to start on her very late exercise.

“At least I finally got her name,” sounding satisfied with herself, she marched away and started her late jogging.

* * *

_Yoohyeon: Unnie_

_Bora: Yes_

_Yoohyeon: Can you come over? It’s one of those days..._

_Bora: Okay I’ll be there in 15_

_Yoohyeon: I also might have a crush_

_Bora: Driving. Later_

Yoohyeon was lying on the ground of her apartment — her carpet clean yet dirty of heavy anxiety but the warmth and gentleness of the texture helps her feel safe and secured. She can’t do anything — she can’t even do work nor bother to look for food. After finishing her jogging she just stripped off her workout clothes from top to bottom and put on an oversized shirt with a pair of old shorts. There was a knock on the door, and she excitedly got up to see her sister.

“Unn—“

“Hi!”

“Oh!” Yoohyeon hides behind the door because her consciousness suddenly haunted her. Yubin was standing outside with a plate of pasta on her hands, beaming with such contagious smiling eyes.

“Sorry!” Yubin looks away, probably figuring out why Yoohyeon was hiding herself.

A car suddenly parks at Yoohyeon’s driveway. The sound of the roaring engine and the door slam shook the two of them to their senses.

“Oh, hello? Yoohyeon, you have a visitor?”

“Uh, unnie, this is Yubin. My neighbour.”

“Yes, hi, hi. My mom loves cooking so she asked me to give this out to some neighbours.” Yubin pushes the plate onto Yoohyeon’s hand. She tries to avoid Bora’s eyes but the latter was quick to catch her attention and offers her hand.

“I’m Yoohyeon’s sister, Bora. Nice to meet you.” They shared a firm handshake and Yubin bowed politely.

“Nice meeting you. I have to go now. Please enjoy! I’ll just grab the plate later.”

The sisters both watch Yubin as she tries to quickly drag her feet towards their house, and Bora was smirking even before she got inside Yoohyeon’s house.

“Well that was awkward.”

“Was it? Why would it be?” Yoohyeon hurriedly placed the plate on top of her dining table, trying not to face Bora yet because she wasn’t sure if she was blushing and she didn’t want her sister to see that.

“I don’t know. It just felt awkward. What’s with her? I never knew you had a friend around here.”

Yoohyeon washes her face to freshen up her already heated cheeks, and she breathes in deeply before turning to Bora, “I just pass by her every morning when I jog.”

“Okay. She doesn’t look like your type but I get the gay vibes.”

“Come on… Don’t assume someone’s sexuality. But yeah she really is far off my type.”

“So is this your crush?!” Bora asks too loudly while picking up random objects on the floor and setting them aside. “Oh Kim Yoohyeon just live with me! I don’t understand how you can live with this mess!”

“And hear that same sentence at least twice a day? No thank you Miss Kim Bora, I’d rather starve to pay for peace.”

“Well you’re already starving since I’m sure you’re not feeding yourself well today! I brought you food but I was too excited to see that girl that I forgot to take it out of the car. Can you get it for us?”

“Sure, and yes, she could be the crush I was talking about." Yoohyeon snickers lightly.

She rushes out playfully as if cutting off her story right then and there, with Bora’s car keys in hand. She presses on the car remote's door open button, pulls the handle, and dives into the back seat. She finds two food bags and grabs them carefully, closing the car’s door with her foot.

“Yoohyeon!” She faces the direction to where she can hear the distinct soft voice.

“Oh hey!” They were both walking towards each other as their smiles start to form on their lips. Maybe they hear each other’s fast heartbeats, maybe they don’t. But they sure as hell want to hear each other’s voices and they can see it in each other’s eyes.

“Hey… Maybe you’d find this weird… But… Are you jogging tomorrow? And if yes, what time? Can I join you?”

Yoohyeon was amused with the question, but she happily answered without batting an eye. “Well, sure! Why not! Are you awake at around 6AM?”

“Even earlier.”

“Oh. Then what time works best for you?”

“Are you okay with 5AM?”

“That’s very early but I guess it will force me to sleep earlier.”

“We can do 6AM? My dad leaves around 7AM and I have to prepare for his stuff before that.”

“Well why didn’t you say at first! Let’s just do 5AM since I usually run for 45minutes, not including warm up and cool down. We should be done a little over 6AM."

“Works well! See you tomorrow?”

"See you, Yubin!"

* * *

Yoohyeon jolts up at the first beep of her alarm — something that doesn’t happen too often. She quickly peeks at the window outside and checks how cold it is at this early morning. She layers up, finds the proper matching socks (thanks for yesterday, Bora), and puts on her usual sauna jacket. Before bolting out the door, she takes a second and then a third look on herself before she shows up in front of her door.

Yubin was already outside, rubbing her hands together with a heat pack in it, her one foot tapping on the road as the ball of that foot is planted stably. She hears Yoohyeon’s door close, and like some alert she faces her quickly and stands up straight. The taller girl starts walking up to her, rubbing her palms together to somewhat generate heat.

“Good morning! You’re early?”

“Heat pack?” Yubin hands to her once she is at arm’s length. Yoohyeon smiles and takes it, clasping her hands together with it in between.

“Thank you.”

“Yeah, I hate the cold. And I didn’t know if you do, too, so I brought an extra one just in case.”

Today was a different route, led by Yubin. And Yoohyeon didn’t question it because she doesn’t mind changing up her jogging route every once in a while. In fact, maybe she likes it that Yubin seemed to be in control of what they were doing that early morning.

They were alternating jogging and walking as Yoohyeon actively adjusts to Yubin’s pace. She didn’t seem like the healthiest kid in the block, but her effort to finish the 5KM looked dauntingly attractive to Yoohyeon. They talked about Yoohyeon’s job, her family’s firm, where she graduated from, and her allergies with dogs to which Yubin replied with an audible pout as she shared about her love for dogs. And then it was Yubin’s turn to share about herself. She didn’t share much, just that she has had two dogs and the second one died when she was still really young and that trauma is preventing her from getting a third dog. She also shared about being an online English teacher and that’s what keeps her busy aside from her plants.

“So why do you like taking care of orchids if they don’t even excite your sense of smell?”

“Well, some orchids do have scents. But for me, I don’t like the ones with scents because I usually go for something out of the ordinary. Case in point — flowers that are either odourless or don’t smell good.”

“But why?! Is there a meaning behind it?” Yoohyeon asks like a little kid but Yubin looked not a tad bit annoyed.

“I don’t know… But they say orchids are the most highly-coveted ornamental plants. They are regarded delicate, exotic, and graceful.”

“You see yourself as exotic?!”

“Not really! But I like the idea of having and taking care of something that is more valuable than its face value.”

“You mean something that has a deep meaning?”

“Yeah, like something that. Like something that there’s more to it than meets the eye.”

“I see. That’s interesting!” Yoohyeon starts jogging again before they get in too deep. She jogs in place in an attempt to warm up, but Yubin’s sudden hand on her arm had made her all fired up.

“Woah! That biker surely didn’t see where they were going!” She sounded irritated, and it’s a different Yubin that Yoohyeon has never seen before. She looked provoked and galled, but more than getting surprised at the biker who almost hit her, she marvels at how Yubin’s face is now inches away from hers. Her eyes inadvertently looked at her small pink lips, and Yubin felt the burning gaze on her that she had to let go of her arm.

“S-sorry.”

“Oh, n-no! Thanks for that! I wouldn’t have seen it, actually. So thanks to you.”

“That’s because we were talking. Maybe this is a bad idea? I might have even gotten you injured.”

“Hey, no! It’s not like that. I’ve never had someone join me jogging, so please please let’s do this again?”

They walk all the way towards Yoohyeon’s house without passing by in front of Yubin’s. It looks like a route that Yubin had etched in her mind for some things that she didn’t want her family to know about.

“Okay. Sure. Hey, can you give me your email and number? I don’t have a phone, but I’ll find a way to message you.”

“Well, do you have time? I’ll just grab a pen and a pad inside?”

“I’m good. I’ll wait here.”

Yoohyeon checks the time as she barges into her house, all worried and huffing as she searches for anything that she can write her details down.

“I’ll be out in a minute!”

“Okay!”

She runs out with a small post-it in her hand, and Yubin folds it to the tiniest piece visibly possible and waves her goodbye.

“Wait for me!” Yubin calls out to Yoohyeon as she waves and runs to their house, the latter waving back as she follows with her eyes the girl she never thought she’d spend a morning run with, or let alone know her name.

She walks inside carefully, and as she removes her soiled clothes one by one, she remembers the shape of her eyes and the sound of her laugh as the cold breeze of autumn air squeezes itself between them. Yubin was breathing heavily, and Yoohyeon was giving her all the support she needed by jogging along with her pace as well as reminding her to drink water whenever she feels the need to. She was all warm and fuzzy in the head despite the chilly morning, and she enters the shower room while singing and dancing a bit to the first song that played in her phone (I.F.L.Y. - Bazzi, thanks Siyeon).

“Fun day. Fun day,” Yoohyeon says in the shower while humming bright notes through her lungs. “Thank you, Yubin. For making this a good day.”

* * *

That morning was the last of Yubin that Yoohyeon has ever seen. She hasn't seen her shadows, she hasn't heard the sprinkle of water on her plants. Some of her orchids look very dry and the grass doesn’t look that green anymore. Yubin’s house didn’t seem any different though, and she was just watching through the window for any sight of her. She told her to wait for her, but Yoohyeon doesn’t even know for what reason. It is hard, but that single ray of light she experienced in 45 minutes with Yubin was enough for her to hold on to her words. She was her only light in this time of darkness.

It had been two weeks since she last heard her voice, fourteen days since she last saw her smile, 336 hours since she felt her velvety hand on her arm. Everything still feels like yesterday to Yoohyeon, and Yubin’s impending call or text or email was the only thing making her look forward to waking up every day. The work load sucks, and their cases have been very hard to win these days. But she pushes forward to make it through the day and easily get home once done with work, so she can have the chance to spot Yubin should she be outside with her plants.

Her phone rings. It was Bora checking up on her. She was also nagging about her laundry and other pre-cooked food she had supplied her with days ago. Yoohyeon loves Bora so much, but these days she’s been doing a lot for her and she feels like she doesn’t deserve it, so she attempts to put down the current phone call with guilt in her mind that her sister could be doing something more productive than checking up on her.

“Unnie, put the phone down. I’m good. I don’t wanna bother you.”

“I know you’re good, but I also know that you’re not bothering me in any way. Okay? Any time with you is time well-spent."

"No... I'm not worth anyone's time."

"Yes you are, Yoohyeon. Yes you are."

"You're just saying that because I'm your only sister."

"That too, but you know I love you, dummy."

They say their goodbyes as Bora leaves with a couple of words for her younger sister. She doesn't show it, but her heart is immensely filled with worry every single day. She tries to play it cool around Yoohyeon but the moment she calls for her, she drops everything and runs to her little sister, like how a mother would when her child trips in the playground.

_Yoohyeon: Sorry unnie... I'm just sad. Kind of disappointed with everything. I finally felt what it's like to be looking forward to someone you've only been seeing from afar, and after successfully tugging a couple of strings, I finally got her name. It was such a beautiful morning and now it seems like it'll be the only memory of her that I'll ever have. Kinda feels like The Roman Holiday, you know?_

_Yoohyeon: Sorry again :(_

_Bora: Stop saying sorryyy! And I guess I get you... But you really wouldn't know anything if you don't talk to her. Why not leave her a handwritten letter or something?_

_Yoohyeon: Mmhmm. That'd be a good idea. I'll work on it._

_Bora: Wow what would you do without me. Don't forget your laundry._

_Yoohyeon:_ 😤

Yoohyeon texts Gahyeon, her fling-turned-friend that Siyeon once set her up with. The latter invites her over for some dinner but anxiety strikes and Yoohyeon quickly says no.

"I'll bring over some meat and let's grill at your place instead. No saying no because you shouldn't say no to meat."

The line went dead even before Yoohyeon could say anything, and she screams a bit with a throw pillow against her face. She screams of anguish, of despair, of emptiness. She screams of every single thing that is weighing her down. 

"Oh fuck this," She throws the pillow into the air and it lands on her carpet. "If she needs to move mountains just to talk to me, I'll find her on whatever mountain she is so she doesn't have to move anything anymore!"

She gets on her feet and starts tidying up her living room. This crippling anxiety consuming her at every inch that even standing up is not an easy feat. She sighs heavily with grunts piercing her lungs, and she starts vacuuming her house. "Ugh what did I do to deserve this shit." Yoohyeon starts to feel like she's sinking into a black hole, and it only gets deeper and deeper by the minute as she stays trapped with the dangerous thoughts in her head.

The door bell rings. She drops the vacuum and runs to the door, already knowing that the person on the opposite side isn’t the one she’s been hoping to see.

"Bitch! What's up!"

"Hey Gahyeon!"

"You look disappointed to see me!" Yoohyeon slightly was, but she appreciates her friend’s company deeply.

"Shut up. Come in."

Gahyeon was carrying two paper bags, where one had clinking sounds. She carefully puts it down on the dining table and then opens Yoohyeon's refrigerator to store the meat.

"You don't have anything here???? Girl what the fuck??? You're gonna look like a stick soon enough!"

"Shut up! You and Minji and Siyeon are all the same. Even my sister! Is it everyone's life mission to scold me?!"

"I'm just looking out for you, bitch! Anyway. Bring out an ice bucket, two shot glasses, and your griller. Let's start early so we'll have ample time to get wasted!"

"You know I don't hold my alcohol well, right?"

"Don't worry. I've got Handong on speed dial."

"OH MY GOD SINCE WHEN!?!"

"Since I found out her talent."

"Huh?"

"In bed."

"Spare me the details but please tell me all about this lesbian thing under the influence of alcohol."

Gahyeon pours their first shot for the night.

"Okay! And you tell me all about this greatest crush of yours. Cheers!"

They both down the shot like sailors and put the glasses down at the same time.

"I'm gonna let loose tonight, Gahyeon. I need this."

"I know. Just drink up. I'll take care of you."

They were maybe at the 10th or 15th shot — no one knows for sure anymore. But Gahyeon starts dialing Handong for a Facetime and she picks it up in an instant.

"So who's dead?"

Gahyeon flips the shot to her rear camera and shows a Yoohyeon with her face on the table, holding a pencil on her hand scribbling on the huge notepad she has.

"What is she trying to draw?" Handong asks with laughter in her voice.

"I actually think she's writing. She said she'll write to that Yubin with whom she's crushing on soooo badly."

"Oh, I had a memorable Yubin classmate in uni!"

"Oh? Memorable? This sounds interesting. Please tell the story, Miss Han." Gahyeon was mocking her girlfriend but it got Yoohyeon to sit up and hold her pencil properly.

"Well she was memorable because she was like this top of the class hottie. Like someone you'd ask for her to choke you but also you can't because she looks so soft and cute. Her cheeks looked adorable. I remember because we were seatmates in Literary class and oh boy she had amazing brains. But yeah even more memorable when she just suddenly disappeared. We really never knew what happened. She didn’t have many friends."

The room fell silent as soon as Handong finishes her story. There was an air of mystery in her words, and it was enough to make Yoohyeon seem sober enough to sit up straight.

"Okay... That's... Interesting. But come to-hik think of it. I don't know any-hik-thing about her. And that sucks." She continues to ramble about her heartbreak and Gahyeon shakes her head while looking at Handong through her phone.

"Okay maybe you two need to get more shots. Take care, babe. Call me for anything."

"I will. You'll have to pick me up once I put this tree to bed."

Yoohyeon starts sobbing. Loudly. Uncontrollably. Her tears were smearing the lines on the notepad which only contained, "Dear Yubin," Her vision starts getting blurry as the alcohol-induced wailing fills up the rims of her eyes, and she wipes them with the back of her hand.

"I should write-hik her a letter, right? Since that's the only way I can-hik ever tell her how I feel. I can't even stay outside for so long because work has-hik been so hectic,"

"Yes. Just write everything down," as Gahyeon downs another shot.

She pours her heart out as her words induce pain on every stroke of each letter, the rationalisation for these feelings in her head still unknown. She probably fell easily, and fell too fast. Too fast she didn't know she would be crying over a simple crush.

"I-it was-hik just a fucking crush! Why does it hurt this-hik way!"

"Just keep writing, Yoohyeon. Just keep writing."

Gahyeon was still downing a shot while Yoohyeon was still buried deep on the notepad.

"Ya know what.... Since she loves flowersh sho mush.... Why don't I give her flowers! Hmmmm?? What d'ya think about that hm?!"

"Good idea bro."

"OKAY! TOMORROW I WILL GIVE HER FLOWERS! AND THIS LETTER TOO — "

“No, maybe you should re-read it in the morn— "

"Nnnnnoooo!"

"Okay. Well..."

"Okay. Gooooooood niiiiiiiiight."

Yoohyeon slams her head on the table with her right cheek pressed against the paper she was writing on. If she will remember this idea of hers in the morning, Gahyeon doesn't know. But she wrote "BUY FLOWERS FOR CRUSH" on her notepad to give Yoohyeon some sort of idea of what happened while they were drinking their hearts out.

_The next morning_

Yoohyeon wakes up with the worst headache she has ever experienced, but it was also the most blissful and peaceful sleep she has ever had since her anxiety attacks started to happen to often. She finally doesn't feel listless, like a candle wick burning through time but with a flame put out just before it gets fully exhausted.

She drinks the water on her bedside, probably Gahyeon's doing, and she saw the note that her friend wrote for her.

**BUY FLOWERS FOR CRUSH**

"Okay okay yes I remember this part..." She takes her phone on top of the note, and clears all the notifications before checking her email — a habit she has formed since Yubin asked for her email address.

"Ugh Yoohyeon do you really need to do this..." She ponders through all the days she would sit around and refresh her email like a lost soul waiting for her final destination.

"Yes you do. Stop being a wuss."

She sets off before lunch and looks for the nearest florist, looks for blue and purple orchids.

"Miss, do you know the meaning of these colors?" Asks the florist.

"I remember Googling it... And I believe the blue should mean rarity, while the purple should be admiration."

"You're right! And if...you know...you want something else to happen to whoever you’re giving these to....throw in a little red!"

"Hmn."

"Aesthetically though, yellow would be good idea. Symbolising friendship and new beginnings."

"Yeah you're right. But what does red mean again?"

The florist giggles, "Desire."

"WOW NO NOT YET! PLEASE JUST GET ME THOSE YELLOW ONES!"

"I'm just kidding! Hope to see you buying red ones next time though!"

Yoohyeon rushes out of the flower shop with a gentle smile painted across her face. She probably doesn't remember the letter she had written last night, but she remembers the tears that flooded her face.

"I swear to God if I still don't get any response after this gesture..."

She runs to Yubin's garden, to the orchids area where they first met, and stays there for a little while. She takes her time and appreciates the colours of the flowers under the pale autumn sun. But this moment was quickly disrupted by the sound of an ajar door.

"Hello? Can I help you with anything?"

It wasn't the voice she had hoped to hear, but it had the same warmth and authenticity to it.

"Um, yes..." Yoohyeon hides the bag of orchids at her back. "I would like to ask for Yubin? I’m Yoohyeon, her friend from next door."

It was a tall man who was probably a couple of years older than Yubin, and his face is visibly tainted with darkness and misery. Yoohyeon starts getting worried, her anxiety attempting to reach the bottomless pit of her stomach while something invisible was hammering her heart.

"She's not here right now, but I can point you to where she is."

“Oh where is she? Does she have work now?”

“No. She’s at the hospital.”

Yoohyeon’s lungs start to get blocked by air, her eyes widen as her heart starts drumming too fast.

“What???? Is she okay????”

“Yes. She’s fine now. But it’s a long story.”

“I’m willing to listen. But I need to see her now."

* * *

Yoohyeon finds out that he’s Yubin’s older brother. There were tears in his eyes as he started to gather courage to talk about his sister.

"I could have done a lot of things. I could have saved her. Helped her. But I didn't.”

"What exactly happened? Please, please tell me."

"She..." He hums under this breath, one that seems to have been pent up since he started talking to Yoohyeon, "...tried to take her own life.”

"What?!?!”

Chills crawl down Yoohyeon’s spine as hair raises on her arms, the words trying to claw into her heart, scraping and debilitating its function to pump life. Her labored breathing sounded of pain, of distress, and she exhales loudly with a low moan. She looks at the half-bloomed orchids on the car’s floor between her feet, and she is reminded of Yubin’s unwithering smile. She inhales sharply, and she holds her breath long enough until her heart calms down before she releases a long sigh. The silence was sharper than a broken glass, and Yubin’s brother decides to break the still air suffocating them.

“I believe that this isn’t my story to tell, but I guess you need to know.”

“What is it?”

“My sister has been suffering from clinical depression and severe anxiety. Things have been so hard for her ever since our parents died and she has never gotten the proper support. Our foster parents are so old-fashioned that they don’t believe in mental health problems. They would say, only those who are weak would experience it.”

“But that’s bullshit!”

“I know. And that’s why my sister dropped out of uni even if she was doing really well. She had to stop everything she was doing, because everything was a trigger and she couldn’t live a normal life where not a single action or event wouldn’t remind her of the trauma. Our foster parents started becoming too protective of her, shielding her from a lot of things. That's why she's not allowed to have a phone, not even allowed to go out on her own.”

“I’m sorry, are you able to tell me more about this?”

“They were mercilessly...killed. In our sleep. We woke up in their cold blood. Since then nothing has been normal for us. We would jump from one foster family to another. This last one was the nicest, at least they let us study in good schools and they feed us really well. Yubin has a brilliant mind, she was one of those amazing students. But when depression attacks like a bitch, it will literally suffocate you to death leaving you listless and gaping for air, but it will never give you the satisfaction of _actually_ dying. That's how Yubin describes it to me.”

Yoohyeon purses her lips, closes her eyes, and feels her heartbeat through her chest. This was such a huge and bitter pill to swallow, but she welcomes it with open arms and downs it in one go. She then realises that the Yubin in Handong’s story while she was drinking with Gahyeon was the same Yubin in her life. As her personal advocacy is violence against women and children, she realises that maybe the reason she ended up doing this NGO work is to save someone dear to her -- someone like Yubin.

“You know, I’m actually a pro-bono lawyer for violence against women and children.” She proudly announces to Yubin’s brother, letting him know that she’s all in to give Yubin all the support and help she would need. “I am also diagnosed with anxiety and I have a wonderful doctor. Maybe when she’s ready, we can talk about this. Or you can tell her.”

“No, I don’t think she’ll listen to me. I could’ve done all these a long time ago, but I was too much of a coward to tell our foster parents that she really needs help. I don't deserve her kindness. Maybe she'll listen to you.”

"What do you mean?"

"You're special to her. More than you know."

They finally arrive at the hospital. Before alighting the car, she asked if she can bring the flowers.

“I specifically got these for her.”

“You know… Maybe her room won't allow it. Maybe take care of them first and you can share them to her once she’s all better.”

Yoohyeon nods and closes the door. Her knees start to shake as they walk towards Yubin’s room.

Wait. It’s not a room. She’s in the ICU.

“ICU?! Just how bad of a state is she in?!”

“She has stabilized. And I brought you here because maybe she’d get better if she hears from you.”

“What do you mean?”

“So I was cleaning her room right after she was rushed to the hospital after her attempt. And here’s a letter I found on her desk. It has your name, so I’m assuming it’s you. Maybe you should read it now before you see her inside.”

The small stationery was folded in eighths and had a puppy sticker attached to its flap. The letter was small and cute, much like Yubin, Yoohyeon thought.

_> > Yoohyeon,_

_If you must know, I enjoyed that morning very much. And I’d like to keep running with you, every morning, or whenever you want to._

_I’m writing you a letter instead of an email because the sensations wherein someone expresses her feelings for you through physical exhaustion is valuable to me. And YOU are valuable to me._

_You make me smile a little wider, and you make me laugh a little louder. You’re the reason that I’ve started to believe in hope. Hope that things could get better; hope that I’d be able to break free from the chains I am trapped with._

_I have a confession to make — I do see you every morning when you jog, even before you stopped to smell my orchids. Did you ever wonder why there weren’t any flowers or plants there before when we’ve lived here for more than two decades now? I am not allowed to leave the house without permission, so I make it a point to have a valid reason to go out and stay out. I hope you don’t find that creepy, but I just love seeing you work your way to being a better version of yourself even if that’s just a glimpse of who you really are. And that’s the reason why I wanted to get to know you._

_And so I got lucky one day and you stopped by my orchids. You know I've found you cute since day one but seeing you that up close really made my heart melt. Yeah, shit like that. This is disgusting, but you're disgustingly cute._

_I am a person with a lot of stories to my name and I wanna share all of these to you. A part of me says I should tell you everything in one fell swoop, another part saying I should tell you in bits and pieces. I don't know what to do, so tell me how you wanna get to know me? We can take all the time we need. :)_

_That morning I spent with you was nothing but pure bliss. It was light and full of sunshine; it felt like I was having some sort of a new beginning. "Am I finally going to feel happiness?" I asked this to myself._

_I'm looking forward to seeing you soon. By the way has anyone told you that you lift your mouth corners to a smile like a puppy?_

_Take care of yourself, Yoohyeon. Maybe I'll try emailing next time :) Sucks that I don't have a phone, but actually it's some sort of a blessing in disguise!_

_My email is[l_yubin97@naver.com](mailto:l_yubin97@naver.com). I'll wait for your reply there or "snail mail". Don't you think this is cuter than text? :)_

_Yubin. <<_

Yoohyeon wails. Her heart scrunching up little by little as the flames start to grow stronger, searing into different heights. She crumples the paper on her chest, and the tears fall down from her cheeks and on to the paper.

“If I had only known….”

She starts hitting her head with her knuckle, a mannerism she has cultured to put her anxieties at bay.

“Yoohyeon, she can get better. And she will. And let’s work together towards that goal.”

“No, but you know… She is a victim of the very thing I fight against every waking day. I fight for a lot of people, but I couldn't for someone I deeply care about! If I had not been such a huge wuss and started talking to her way before, maybe it didn’t have to come to this! Maybe it she didn’t have to be fighting for her life now and I didn’t have to meet her at the hospital for our second meet up!”

She hits herself again, and Yubin’s brother grabs her by the wrists firmly.

“We will fight for Yubin, okay? We will do this for her if she can't do it herself.”

The staff had called out the next visitor for Yubin Lee. Yoohyeon was panicking and her anxiety was on an all-time high, but she wouldn’t let this moment pass. She is finally seeing Yubin, and even if it isn’t how she planned their meet up to be.

“Hi, Yubin. It’s Yoohyeon." She looks at the tubes attached to the smaller girl, her hands shake at the sight and her short, shallow breaths were silently convulsive as a newborn's first gulps of air. "How are you? Are they treating you well here? You know, I got you orchids today. Blue, purple, and yellow ones. You know the meanings of those right? I heard the blue ones are so hard to find so I was glad that I found one. I’d want them to be with you, but I figured I should take care of them first and once you’re all healthy, you can add them into your beautiful garden. Your plants miss you a lot, so you have to go back to them. I also read your letter. Do you know how many times a day I would keep refreshing my email or how many times I would check my mailbox at home? I would even focus at work and try to go home on time, for the off-chance that I can see you gardening in the afternoon. How dare you try to leave me....haha just kidding.”

Yoohyeon clasps Yubin’s hand, it isn’t that warm, but her feelings are sweltering enough to make her feel safe and secured with her touch.

“Please, fight. Please. You told me to wait, and I will keep waiting. Once you’re healthy, there are a lot of things that we can do together other than jogging! It’s such a big world out there and I’m willing to stay beside you as you explore it. I still have a lot to learn as well though, so maybe it would be fun to go together?”

There were tears falling off Yubin’s face and Yoohyeon grips her tighter, letting her know she’s not going anywhere.

“Can you hear me?!?! You can hear me, right?! I promise to take care of your garden while you’re still not available. I’ll take care of your orchids!”

Yubin is now gripping her hand, an unexpected response that even the nurse saw.

“Wow, she’s awake! Please keep talking to her!”

“I guess all you needed to know was that your orchids will be looked after, huh? I’ll take care of them, don't worry!”

Yoohyeon was laughing on the outside, but her insides were crumbling like a Jenga tower at its 12th level. But she knows she has to stay strong, even just for this moment. She hummed softly with sparkles in her eyes, pleased to see a sign of life from Yubin.

"Please let me take care of you too, Yubin." She clutched on to her weary hand, frail and soft against her skin. But her grasp was the touch of assurance, of certainty, and of unfeigned feelings of passion. She breathes in deeply and holds her hand firmer, goes closer to her ear and brushes her hair gently, "You make me laugh a little louder, too," she whispers longingly.

She pushes herself away from the close vision of her milky skin, her perfect small nose, and her soft cheeks that she can't stop thinking about. "I'll wait for you," she added, as she releases her strong grip. She wonders when they'll be able stroll around with the route that Yubin had led before, and she hopes to see her taking care of her orchids soon enough. "I didn't become a lawyer to see my loved ones suffering, I promise I'm gonna fight for you."

* * *

**_Epilogue_ **

_to:[l_yubin97@naver.com](mailto:l_yubin97@naver.com)_

_from:[rachelyooh.1797@naver.com](mailto:rachelyooh.1797@naver.com)_

Dear Yubin,

It has been a week since my last visit in the hospital. I haven't seen you since you were moved outside of the ICU, but I promise to drop by this week. I was gonna write a handwritten letter, but I burned my hand on the stove when I tried to cook. I TRIED TO COOK! Anyway because I got into a little accident I called up my friends Minji and Siyeon to just bring me food. We had a good time!

I watered your orchids today a little late, because it was hard for me to get up. I hope they're not angry with me😞 I wanted to write to you like snail mail style, but I wanted to attach a photo of how your plants are doing under the sunlight! I think I take pretty nice photos?!

Yoohyeon 💕

~~~~~

_to: PO Box 6601_

_from: PO Box 6599_

Hi Yubin,

I saw you earlier today but you were asleep. I left you some choco-coated biscuits. Your brother said you like chocolate, so I thought of giving you that. I also passed by the flower shop earlier to check out if there are any new orchids or other flowers but the owner said they only have new succulents. I haven't seen any succulents in your garden, so maybe it could be my thing? And you can help me out? They look very diverse, and I read up and found out that you take care of these plants differently. I obviously don't know anything, but I'm learning a lot! Instead of wanting to take care of a dog, I'm focusing my energy on learning how to take care of plants!

See you soon🙂

Yoohyeon

~~~~~

_to:[l_yubin97@naver.com](mailto:l_yubin97@naver.com)_

_from:[rachelyooh.1797@naver.com](mailto:rachelyooh.1797@naver.com)_

Yubin,

I didn't see you again today😞 But I heard some good news. I'm so proud that you're finally getting help. I can't wait for you to feel all better!

Today at work, I met a cute child. The issue was just custody and she ended up living with her most able aunt and uncle. Later, the child thanked me because she said she will now "have a better floor to sleep on." Then I reassured her that there will be regular visits to make sure she won't be sleeping on the floor anymore. And my heart was a mush when I heard that from a 7-year-old kid. I wish I could help more kids in my lifetime. I saw a cat today, too. She was taking care of her babies and I wanted to bring them home but I panicked when they went near me😞

Anyway I managed to take a photo of the cat family hehe. Here you go.

Yoohyeon 💕

~~~~~

_to:[l_yubin97@naver.com](mailto:l_yubin97@naver.com)_

_from:[rachelyooh.1797@naver.com](mailto:rachelyooh.1797@naver.com)_

Yubin🙂

I haven't written to you in a long while huh? But I'm glad I've been spending more time with you. I can't believe you're the one in the hospital yet you're the one gave flowers. And they're even carnations huhu. I'm just thinking if this is a challenge for me to keep it alive until you get back home???? I'm pressured!!!!😞

My sister threw me a party yesterday, just because. I have been sleeping a lot better and I haven't been having those panic attacks lately and she says that's something to celebrate. And maybe she's right. So all my close friends were there (actually, they're my only friends). Minji, Siyeon, and Gahyeon and her girlfriend* -- I can't wait for you to meet them!!! See you tomorrow!!!🙂

Yoohyeon 💕

(*) Yoohyeon was careful not to mention anything that would remind Yubin of the past (in this case, uni) so she doesn't mention Handong because it _could_ be a trigger.

~~~~~

_to:[l_yubin97@naver.com](mailto:l_yubin97@naver.com)_

_from:[rachelyooh.1797@naver.com](mailto:rachelyooh.1797@naver.com)_

LEE YUBIN.

I wanted to write a snail mail BUT I CAN'T MY HANDS ARE STILL SHAKING!!!! It's your first day back in the neighborhood and you kISS ME?!?!?!?! THE AUDACITY!!!

I'm still trying to catch my breath here okay! And I have a client in two hours!!!!!!!!!!!!

By the way I was checking out that Despicable Me cafe earlier today and I thought maybe you'd love to go there😞

I STILL HATE YOU!

PS - My orchids look prettier than yours now mehehehehe😛

PPS - You're my prettiest flower hehe

PPPS - PLEASE HELP ME WITH MY SUCCULENTS😞

Yoohyeon 💕


End file.
